Right now I’m sitting on the side of my bed, holding my sleeping baby, hoping that when he wakes up soon he will feed. 90% possibility that he wont.(note from my future self – he didn’t).
For the last two weaks I have been working hard on getting him to like feeding from me again and I just feel physically and emotionally drained. I’ve searched the internet with fire to understand why this is happening and how to solve it. I’ve cried my eyes out for a few days. Spent some time blaming myself for my mistakes and the world for the negative experiences we have gone through. I wish I never gave my son a pacifier, I wish I never fed him by schedule rather than on demand. I wish he had been fed by bottle as little as possible. I wish that my son felt safety and bliss when feeding instead of stress and anxiety.
I wish we never had that ultrasound that made us go through such a stressful and painful experience at the hospital and after that. I wish I never had milk supply problems.
I would never wish this all to anyone.
Lately, to get over this all, I’ve been spending pretty much all of my time with my baby, topless like an African woman to make him used to my breasts and to make them always available. I have taken away the pacifier with the exception of sleeping times. Trying to also do skin to skin with him but that’s only been nice while taking a bath with him. Will have another bath together today as well. I bottle feed him only about 60ml while he’s awake to take the edge off the hunger and then bounce on the ball when it’s sleep time, wait for him to fall asleep and then feed him. I never show any pressure for him to latch on and feed. So far we have tiny progress – he’s ok with my breasts being present and even in his face, he enjoys being carried around a lot.
One of the big progresses – I was bouncing him to sleep like always, singing to him, and decided to try taking the pacifier away for a bit to see how he reacts . He didn’t show any reaction whatsoever so I just carried on singing Brahms lullaby to him, and then he just turned and latched on and fed! I felt like peeing my pants from joy, and regretted pumping an hour before – my breasts we’re pretty empty. There were two more times when he shortly latched on and sucked for a few second’s only at bedtime in the evening when we both just lie in the big bed until he falls asleep. That also felt awesome, like I’ve been kissed by a prince from fairy tales. At those moments of progress I see hope, light at the end of the tunnel, and could do a happy dance. But the rest of the time I’m just tired of it all.
I have had no time for myself to the extent that I don’t brush my hair or shower for three days straight. We have been skipping walks lately too, so I also feel trapped at home. Right now I just want to return to a somewhat normal life, and stop this all, it’s hard not only for myself but also for my partner. Thank him for his patience, help and understanding about all this.
Maybe I just should relax and let whatever happen and try to be ok with it. I’ve been so attached to the idea of breastfeeding my child until he weans off himself, but he and karma seem to have other plans I guess. Maybe I will try to relax and let go and see where that takes us.