Tag Archives: stress

A tired mummy

Standard

I don’t want to get up today. That’s what I admitted to myself this morning and instantly teared up – a lot of emotion has been piling up that I haven’t even had the time and luxury to feel lately.

Because of a back injury reminding of itself, my partner hasn’t been able to do pretty much anything around the house or with the baby. He’s been on bed rest on and off for around three weeks now. On and off – because he has tried doing things before he’s recovered out of wanting to help and being stubborn. And that’s set everything back every time.

So, I basically have had to do 99% everything. Plus the little one has been teething – the 4 top front teeth all coming out at once. That means extra fussiness, no appetite whatsoever and consequently being even fussier because of not eating well. Every day has been a race and a fight, which doesn’t even stop when the baby has gone to bed at 8pm. No, I still have to prepare everything for the next day, pump and tidy up. By the time I’m finished, the baby’s first night feed is up, and only after that I can go to sleep too. And even at night – I wake up several times to calm the baby when he starts to cry because of a bad dream, have to find and give him the dummy that he lost (most often it’s under the bed), put him in a normal sleeping position when he has tossed and turned himself into something nearly impossible, as well as feed him.

Up to now, I’ve tried to suck it up, be strong, think about how it will be ok once my partner recovers and how I will rest once that happens and he can do everything for a day or two. In reality, that probably won’t happen! I’m tired and exhausted. I feel guilty for not spending time with my son, playing with him and using TV as a nanny a lot when he definitely shouldn’t even be watching TV at this age. But thank God for “In the Nigut Garden” show!

I wish I could just for a day sleep as long as I want, wake up and not do anything all day, and have warm, healthy meals appearing out of nowhere throughout the day!

Ugh, enough now, time to get my sh** together and get on with the day. I can do it!

Advertisements

Breastfeeding is hard work

Standard

I cherish so much the moments when I have successful breastfeeding experiences. If my baby eats out both breasts and then falls asleep, milkdrunk – that’s just bliss for me.

Unfortunately, that is now not happening so often. Just after I dealt with low milk supply and got around solving it, and making sure it doesn’t go down, now I’m also dealing with my son rejecting my breast. The only way I can breastfeed him, is right after he has woken up, while he’s still sleepy. Or I have to make him fall asleep and then feed him. On rare occasions he has also fed while he’s awake if we are bouncing on the fitness ball. All other times it’s pumped milk in a bottle, or in the worst cases milk in a syringe.

I don’t know what has caused all this. A couple of times it has been because of him having teething pains – then he literally looks at the breast or bottle and cries because he wants the food but it just hurts, and the syringe then is the savior. But in general, the only idea of the reason that I have is that he might have formed negative associations with the breast when the milk supply was low and that made him upset. I don’t know why exactly, but it sucks.

This morning, for example, he woke up after a four hour sleep. Not upset or anything, but wont even look at the breast, just chilling in my arms and making fart-pushing faces. OK, I still had a hope he would eat a few moments later, bouncing on the fitness ball, so we moved on to changing his nappy, giving it a go on the ball, with no success, so I put him on the floor for playtime. Nope – upset because of being hungry. Back to the ball, and yesss – he actually started eating. But then that lasted only 2 minutes instead of at least 4. He was still grumpy when I put him on the floor. Oh, what to do, I pumped 2 ounces of milk and tried to feed him with bottle – no, not gonna happen. A few sucks and then he started doing the wiggly worm. Last resort – the syringe. No resistance there, except half of the milk ended up on his clothes because he just spat it out mostly.

This is so stressful and upsetting for me. If he at least was a chubbier baby, I would be OK, one or two skipped meals won’t do any harm. But he has barely gained any weight within a month – only around 300 grams. And that’s while having a bit of solids every day. I’m literally fearing every doctor’s visit when he is getting weighed.

Another more of an annoyance with this is that we can’t really go anywhere with the child without stress. Going to visit my parents is a headache because I know that will be a day of feeding problems. Everything has to be planned and timed precisely – he always has to go on a nap just in time so he would wake up for meal time, and so that the meal time wouldn’t come while he’s fully awake. Even going on a walk with a pram is often stressful – god forbid that he wakes up before we have returned home!

I did discover a very good YouTube channel that talks about all the breastfeeding problems, including milk supply and breast rejection – Lyndsey Hookway – Feed Sleep Bond. I wish I had come across it when I was still pregnant, or at least in the early days after my son was born. Such good insight and important details are given by the lactation consultant there that no one tells anyone here. No prenatal classes talk about it to so much detail. All I have is a handed out book called Breastfeeding ABC, which does touch upon my issues but barely. After readingĀ it while being pregnant, the only problem I feared with regard to breastfeeding was mastitis and clogged milk ducts.

Turns out that breastfeeding is so simple yet very complicated at the same time. Let’s hope things get better and I don’t end up having a nervous breakdown. Just kidding. Or am I? :p